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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Invasion of the Roofer Mushroom People From Outer Space

When the hail stones first pummeled Prosper I thought that the "Parade of Carpetbaggers" had begun as it always does after a storm. But I was wrong. Remember how the Martians came down the energy beams to their machines in the 2005 version of "War of the Worlds?" This time the invaders came from inside the hail stones themselves.

The stones were just the first wave of the attack. The mushroom roofers sprouted from the stones embedded in the earth. The sacrificial mushrooms hammered roofs, fences, gutters, and other property in an attempt to cause pecuniary damages and steal our gold. Money started to flow into the affected areas in order to stop the hemorrhaging. Then the mushroom roofers emerged from the soil with signs of unknown company names. They knew from previous studies of our species that we are only the masters of what we can survey. After having seen the name of one of these mushroom roofer companies several times, the affected assumed that they were legitimate companies. No track record, no history of service, and sometimes no Texas drivers licenses. Even then the Texas zip code may be farther away than Kansas.

Rapidly they set upon the unsuspecting property owners, the backbone of our republic, mumbling things like "cheap, free, wave the deductible." With their magic wands the waving of the deductible ceased to be a crime, a felony, an offense punishable by incarceration.

Having the humans by the greedacles, the mushroom invaders will soon begin to remove the roofs of the humans and install an environment changing roof causing sickness throughout the home. Remember that "The Univeral Gas Law" allows only from the relief of pressure and not the positive bottom to top ventilation of a balanced system that removes humidity and heat that mingle with all that organic material causing spores. These spores attack the pulmonary systems of the young the most severely while draining adults of precious funds for electric bills and HVAC repairs. Shortened paint, insulation, deck, and roof lives also attack the pocket.

At first I thought that this was just hail but with the subsequent hail storms I began to realize that this was a full scale invasion of mushroom roofers. After 25 to 50 have rang the doorbell, knocked the door, and chased you across the yard while mowing on Sunday morning, you begin to believe this is normal behavior. But look into their eyes, ask for an electric bill, a manufacturer's certification, driver's license, auto insurance, references from last month within 50 miles, a DNA sample, and you'll find that the infectious mushroomers have come to your town. They intend to take your insurance claim money and put on the cheapest materials they can find from mushroom helpers. Notice that they speak strangely. Their eyes dart side to side.

Folks, mark my words. These are not the words of a soothsayer, an oracle, or even a modern day Nostradamus. These are the musings of an experienced Texan, someone born at Florence Nightingale (Baylor) and educated in Dallas. These are the warnings of a man who has been a roofing contractor for 32 years with accreditations, certifications, an "A" at Angie's List, and the BBB, but that doesn't mean what it used to mean.

Watch out. If you need an answer now, the answer is "NO!" Take your time. Study. Research. This is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make and if it is based on criminal activity, be careful. Why not take the opportunity to negotiate with a good local guy on a better roof and manufacturer's warranty that is not prorated and covers materials and leaks too. You can even get a Good Housekeeping guarantee. They do underwrite roofs if you have the right roofer.

Your kids health, your resale value, your marriage, could be at stake here. Just go back and read earlier posts and you'll understand.

Jon Alan Wright
Jon Wright Roofing, Siding, and Windows
1915 Peters Rd., Suite 310
Irving, TX 75061
972.251.1818 Office
214.718.3748 Cell
972.554.8090 Fax
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