This is for roofers and not customers so don't read it. This is a rant and not informational. Go away. Actually if you hang on until the end you'll see it is just advice to stop the complaints by nipping it in the bud.
Is it clear yet? Okay, here I go:
Blame the roofer. It's his fault.
"If our roofer had not put the nail in that spot, where the manufacturer requires it, we would not have damaged your A/C freon line. Nor would we have hit that romex electrical line, not in a conduit, that was run up against the roof and down under the ridge against building code."
I know that code requires for that freon line to hug the top plate of the wall but it never does. Romex too are everywhere waiting to fry the roofer when he hits it with the nail that the manufacturer of the roofing specifically states in writing, with pretty pictures, in several languages, on line, in the warranty, that there can be no deviance for whatever reason for the exact placement of the nail. So we put it in the line.
Sometimes lines cross, forming an "X," like when the nail line on a shingle matches up with the freon or electrical line that haphazardly placed against code and common sense.
"You didn't tell me there was a true 100% cathedral ceiling that could sustain damage by the kinetic energy released from the simple act of nailing. Sure we could have used peel and stick shingles or just removed the plastic tape from the rear of the shingle. That would do it."
"The ivy growing out of the gutter was holding up the gutter, fascia, and soffit until we thoughtlessly removed it to replace the roof."
"That crack in the driveway, with all the black dirt in it? Yes it's fresh. We did it."
"That sag, where the previous owner took out the wall to enlarge the living room without hiring an architect or engineer twenty five years ago was caused by my mere presence."
This was not said about me but I was told the little foot roofer story by an angry lady who said fatso, not me, caused her dormers to lean. If the roofer was lean...
"Those sags every two feet are structural damage caused by fat roofers with small feet and not rotten or weak 3/8" plywood degraded by thirty years of no ventilation, bathroom fumes exhausted into the attic, or the six or seven roofs you had replaced."
Sure you can replace your roof as many times as you want without the nails and nail holes effecting the structural integrity of the laminated thin sheets of tree bark called decking."
People don't call me until things are broken and it's likely other broken things are lurking, waiting to jump out and get some of me on them. DNA. Guilty. Do not pass Go. Forget the $200.00 dummy.
"The dog ate nails and you need to pay the medical bill?"
Bassets are pretty dumb and I have an X Ray to prove it.
"Sure those greasy stains in the skylight tunnel are water leaks and have nothing to do with the gooey ball your 10 year old is bouncing in there."
She apologized for yelling at me after she caught her son in the act. I didn't think a lady would say those things when I told her the roof was fine.
"Of Course my roofers drove those nails into your tree. They do it on all of our jobs but could you ask your little children to give us our hammers back."
"That faucet never leaked before your guys got a drink from it."
Your yard hasn't been watered in years.
"My son's 1978 Pontiac has never leaked a drop of oil. That's your oil bud."
It's out of oil because it evaporated in the 25 years since the registration went out. We were still part of Mexico when it was last driven. My truck is new.
"They must have peed on my roses. Where do they go anyway?"
"The leak moved over about 15 feet sideways."
"The hot water pipe was not rusted before. Where did you get that? Your garage?"
We found it in your attic laying in the insulation beneath the charred wood. The last roofer roofed over your flue pipe hole endangering your family's life. It's just temporary until we fix and update, for free, all the hidden things that weren't part of our agreement.
"That iron ore did not come from my yard. You must tell all your customers that that weird metal your magnet found came from their yard."
You found me out.
"My foundation is listing now."
You need to list the entire home. You can't sell it in parts.
"The cat ran away and it's your fault for doing what I paid you for."
I hate cats.
That's all of them and the percentage is pretty low for over 20,000 roofs. But it was about ten too many if you ask me.
I paid my dues and I nip it in the bud now with an informational stroll around. That's Texan for walk about, the circle the home mosey. If you look up carefully at the roof you'll need to take your shoes off before you go back in the home. Poo poo on the shoe is a small price for being a pro and looking at the roof from the ground level for things you couldn't see about the roof when you were up there.
Go on the roof. Look in the attic. Stroll around and survey from the yard.
"That antique cup that fell was worth $500.00 but you can't show it to me because you threw it away."
She deducted the street value of an English porcelain tea cup from 1863 (with post WWII made in Japan on the bottom). Now that was dirty. These folks were going to buy the roof from their kids college fund until I convinced them to call the insurance. The adjuster paid off due to pure luck, even though I was there in Grapevine on that hot day showing him the damage he missed the last time, saving them the money they had decided to spend. Now Allstate paid, instead of having uneducated kids, and the tea cup deductible was covered.
Take the Monet and Renoir down but please leave the English cup up. Warn the customers to remove their valuables and investments from the walls and attics.
We torn off a wood roof in Las Colinas, Irving, years ago to expose valuable paintings stored in the attic by the remodelor. In Dallas I saw fragile glass sculpture strewn about in an attic. In Grapevine a lady kept imaginary antique cups on the wall. In Fort Worth my roofers found twenty five years worht of Playboys in the attic when they were cleaning. The customer raced home and said to me"I've been found out!" All attics have Christmas stuff except at Christmastime and those fragile glass balls crack with high pitched sneezes.
This is why we look around prior to commencement ceremonies to the next adventure in roofing. We don't need to look in the attic on redecks because the attic will be open like Texas Stadium for all of heaven to see. Er, was.
(We watched the stadium go down from our roof that dreary Sunday morn and my old college roomie John Feist, the famous movie director, came in from Switzerland to watch it. He took time from his busy schedule of international intrigue and family making, to sentimentalize on part of his youth. He's still a neat nice guy.)
Roofers protect yourself, and protect your customer too. Note cracks, sags, building code violations, and general mischief and everybody will be a lot happier and less misunderstandings will occur. Beside, the customers are stepping around land mines when they're in the backyard and not looking up at the roof line. They only look up there after the roof has been replaced. That is why they don't know where all the toys are, that the downspout is stuffed with tennis balls, endangered plant life is growing in the gutters and behind the spalding (not tennis balls) chimney. The frisbee, the dog chew toy, various army men, firemen, plastic airplanes, scissors (really), spoons, dead things, knives, bullets (inny and outties), bird nests, old defunct satellite dishes, newspapers, moss, ant, wasp nests, carpenter bees, cats, tools, bottles, feces, graffiti, a shingle scrap that has survived numerous storms for twenty something years without being nailed down while nailed down roofing has blown off, giant rocks, whole bricks, 2x4's, Barbie, G.I. Joe, cassette tapes of Nigerian rock, combs, screw drivers, hula hoops, garden hoses, rakes, hoes, brooms, leaves, tree limbs, rope, twine, kites, balloons, boxes, candy wrappers, candy, baggies, cigarettes, business cards, beer cans, clip boards, pens and pencils, clothes, hats, sunglasses, and that just about covers it but if you've seen more please send it in.
Don't get blamed for preexisting stuff. Don't break the almost broken. Be professional.
But no matter what you do, no matter how many roofs are being replace in the area after a billion dollar natural disaster, if your customer gets a flat, with a weird type of nail you've never seen before, it is your fault.
Just think of it like gas caps in the old days, before someone figured out to attach them with a plastic line. If you lose yours, you can go to any gas station and make a withdrawal from the shared National Gas Cap Repository. If you check with at least two or three stations you'll find one that fits your car. Now you're even.
You know you got away with one or two punchadas over the years so pay up with a smile. If you don't believe me just ask your roofers or go look in the parking lot by your warehouse. Tell me you've never seen a nail, not one, because that's all it takes, laying on the concrete after the hubbub is over and the crews have gone (to the beer store) directly home.
Once my dad asked me if I lost a box of nails near the mix master or canyon downtown. That guy got hundreds of cars. I know him because years later I heard him tell of hearing clickity clack everywhere just before he looked back to see his tailgate down and the fifty pounds of roofing nails gone.
So by association we are guilty.
The terrorists could throw metal simplex out during rush hour and paralyze all of Dallas Fort Worth. They always land up looking for a foot. If you're not careful, when Mimi starts crying, grandpa is going to find his shells.
So remember:only you can prevent forest fires. Look around for fires to put out before they get out of control.
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