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Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Springtime Roof Inspection

The last time my body felt like it did for the last four days was on March 7th, 1999. The day was burned into by a coincidence: having went home sick, watching "A Clockwork Orange" (I felt so bad it couldn't have hurt anymore), and waking to read Stanley Kubrick had died. Eerie mind control stuff, no? Anyway, I survived both times. If I had only listened to the signals on Saturday and taken my vitamin C and echinachea (Mr. Spellcheck is under a little FDA control though) I might not have gone spiraling into the depths of my couch, where I lost ten of the pounds I had acquired while on mandatory couch duty.

What's the point dummy? Ventilation...again and again. It's time for Mr. Spore to come ransack your home because your soffit vents are dirty and not allowing air to come in, of course unless they are just decoys with no holes or little bitty holes under them. Okay, on top of them in a sequential way if you start at the plant and go up like the air is supposed to do in those unobstructed vents under the eave.

Don't forget to go out and clean them. And if somebody other that us sides your house make sure they pull them off and enlarge the holes. No going back, without expense of money or effort, if you cover them and the screens keep doing what they were meant to do.

Make sure you have bottom to top attic respiration. Only "a" to "b" and n "c" or "d." That "lower vent ridge" (meaning you have conflicting exhaust points), those gable end vents beneath the turbines, that power vent between the turbines, all keep the soda from coming up the broken soda straw.

Take a stroll around the house and look up. This may require some poop scooping but you need to concentrate, on the roof and overhang. Look for sags, dips, rot, stains, raised parts, or anything else that looks suspicious.

You are welcome to take a picture and e mail me and I'll tell you what I think. We'll come out for free too but your eyes work fine. If they don't I'm sure you know someone whose do.

Stop the hundreds from being thousands.

Lastly, if you find large turds on your roof that is bad. Intrinsically bad but bad in another sort of way: the beast might be scoping out your pad looking to B&E, and that's not bacon and eggs my little 30 lb rodent victim to be. Raccoons can rip the siding off your house in a single grasp, demolish your roof in seconds, and it is all so frightening. You'll reconsider your gun law position for a moment. And if it doesn't change, because no damage was done, it will be reinforced.

A walk about up there might do because with our multicultural country many peoples , and many have been hear for generations, like to fling, shoot, and launch fiery objects into the night sky with disdain for the landing spot.
Aghast, that bottle rocket landed in that big pile of leaves I forgot to blow off the roof.
Remember when those Iraqi soldiers fired in the air at a Saddam Hussein outdoor concert and about a hundred and fifty got postmortem metals. More that that happen hear every day but not all are fatal. Some just wound.

Everything you own and your family are under that roof.

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